Wednesday, August 10, 2011

4 weeks ago

It is exactly 4 weeks ago today that we found out what Craniosynostosis meant and that big word was going to have an enormous impact on our lives.

I will never forget my stomach hitting the floor as the doctor told us surgery was required and described cutting my babies head from ear to ear to reshape his skull. As if this wasn't horrific enough, but that he couldn't even do the surgery and recommended we find Dr. Fearon. That day will forever be imprinted in my mind. Feeling like you can't breathe, can't speak, can't move. I can remember exactly how I felt yet no words can possibly describe it.

I tell you this for all those parents out there who have just been through this. It WILL get better. Only 4 weeks and I feel like the Cranio expert. Although its still surreal at times we have been able to enjoy our baby again. These moments with them are so precious and they grow up so fast it would be a shame not to enjoy every second. A friend of mine, Keri, reminded me, he is still your baby. He is the same boy he was the day before... no different.

Those first couple days I couldn't even do our night time routine that I used to cherish. I had to leave the room constantly crying and leaned on Matt to take over. Being scared consumed me. Hudson would just give me a smile with an its okay mommy look.

I promised myself that would be the last time he would have to give me that look. That I must keep face in front of him. My mom was at my house when I told her about surgery and I could see her eyes start to well up. I said if you are to cry please go in the other room, not in front of Hudson. If I know I am going to cry I put him down and walk away for a moment until I can get it together. She teared up and whispered, "You are a mom".

The best thing I can recommend is research and do more research. Knowledge is power. The more you know the better you can prepare yourself. The has been such a HUGE comfort. You can talk to moms who have been through this or who are in the exact same shoes as you right now. Those ladies are amazing. Many stay on the board years after their kids have had surgery just to support others.

I still wish on a daily basis that I could take his place for the surgery. That I could somehow protect him from all of this. Talking to people who feel the same way you do, no matter how unrealistic or crazy makes the biggest difference. Knowing that people make it on the other side of this all the time and you will too. Maybe a little bumped and bruised even as parents but I don't think you can walk away from this as if it never happened. Then again I don't think you should. You have to learn from every experience whether good or bad.  I have to believe there is a reason for everything. Don't know what the reason is right now... but I do know I don't take a second for granted with him.

Love Jen


  1. I love what Keri said to you. I actually found some comfort in that! Because it is so true! He is still your little guy, and always will be. It's true that you can't walk away from a situation like this like it never happened. I still think about what Isabel went through, and it hurts. But maybe it will always will be a sore spot for me, and give me an extra bit of love when I look at her. I read your words and feel like I'm healing to somehow. God is good!

    You amaze me every day with what you are taking from this situation. I remember being little girls and we wondered what kind of women we were going to be. I feel like I'm seeing the women we really are, maybe for the first time :)

    I love you