We have a weekend and a half until we leave for Dallas! Needless to say my head has been racing! Leading up to surgery is the scariest part and I want to be sure to be as honest as possible about this journey. My hope is that my experience can bring peace or insight of what to expect for parents facing this.
So vulnerable here we go ...
I decided to go talk to a counselor (nice work for shrink) about my fears of surgery and try to get my mind as whole and strong as possible. She gave me a lot of great tips on how to handle certain things, how I can use the nurses at my advantage... But in the end I still left feeling unsettled. This whole time I think I was waiting for acceptance to come by all of a sudden realizing something. Some light bulb would go off to make this easier. Its ironic that the thing giving me peace is the acceptance of how hard this is going to be. Giving in to the realization that there is nothing anyone can say or do that will really make this easier. No one word or action that can take this away. The hard reality is no matter what, I have to face this and it is going to be hard. The hardest thing I have ever done!
I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for Hudson, Matt or myself. Matt and I have decided keeping our body and mind healthy and strong is the best thing. We have starting working out together not because I want to lose weight or even care right now what I look like. It gets the nervous energy out of me, helps me sleep better and endorphins don't hurt either. I am trying to do whatever I can to prepare myself and trying to keep my head up. Plus it makes us feel like even more of a team.
I am so glad I have found peace and acceptance. I really thought I wasn't going to get there. Of course I feel that way right now. Tomorrow could be different. Oh... the cranio coaster you are one wild ride.
If I had to put a positive spin on this journey I would say I honestly ... I am learning so much about myself and what I am made of, Matt and I have grown closer together and are a stronger couple. I appreciate and love Hudson so much everyday and take nothing for granted, its given me a new perspective on being a mom, melts my heart seeing Matt take on his role as such a strong father. I now know without a doubt that our family can make it through anything. That this won't be the last thing that challenges us, thats life. No matter what life throws at us we will work through it together, hand in hand.