Last night after my post here I went to the craniokids.org site. Often they are the only people who can really give me comfort b/c they share this experience. One of the moms said something that hit me like a brick to the head. The thing I have been struggling with isn't as much accepting surgery (although that is part of it). But I have felt like my dream of having a "healthy baby" was taken from me.
When I was pregnant I remember people asking do you want a boy or a girl? Or course I would respond I don't care I just want him/her to be healthy. I have always dreamed of being a mom. Picking out what names I would want for them even as a child myself. Imagine what they would look like, what our relationship would be like, how many I want ... I have always known I wanted to be a mom.
I never in my wildest dreams imagined we would be facing this. Part of what I struggle with is my dream turning into a nightmare. My idea of perfect being shattered.
I remember when I was first pregnant and not wanting to get to excited about it. I was worried that if I was too happy it would somehow be taken away. That all my dreams were coming true and it was too good to be true. When I met Hudson it was the greatest moment of my life. I finally let my guard down and let myself be deliriously happy and considered myself the luckiest woman in the world. All my dreams really did come true.
Then just like that, BAM! Wake up call. We are facing surgery and a condition that possibly requires multiple invasive skull surgeries.
I have always felt that my little boy is perfect. He is perfect to me, he is perfect for me. He is everything I dreamed he would be and more. But I have to admit this situation is less than perfect. I would not wish this on anyone. Yes it could be worse... but it could be better. I am going to let go of all these could be, should be, unfair emotions but first I have to acknowledge them.
Hearing all the cranio moms saying they have felt the exact same way, they do feel the same way right now as they themselves are getting geared up for surgery is so comforting. I have received so many we are here for you, we feel your pain emails that means so much to me. They have said these weeks leading up to surgery will be really hard and a roller coaster of emotions.
I want off this ride!!!
Thank you to all the cranio moms out there. I don't know how I would do this without you!