Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Buck Up!

Today was Hudsons lab work and procrit injection. Matt went to the last one and knowing how squeamish I am with needles combined the difficulty of seeing your baby in pain, graciously said you don't need to go to these appointments. At first, I had a sigh of relief that to be let off the hook. Matt is so incredibly strong and doesn't flinch when it comes to hospitals. In fact he is a first aid responder. If anything should happen medically at work he would come to the rescue. Yep ladies, I've got a hero on my hands.

But the more I got to thinking about it... I shouldn't let myself off the hook. I need to step up and do the things that make me scared, squeamish, sad ... if Hudson needs me I need to be there. Its not about me or how I feel this is about Hudson. It doesn't matter how scared I am of needles or how it hurts my soul to hear him in pain, what matters is that I need to be there for him to comfort him and let him know everything is ok, mommies here.

So today was that day. I did not know that they would be doing more tests on him than ever before. In hindsight I may have gone to the next appointment and skipped this one lol. This time they had to draw 6 viles of blood! As the nurses came in and strapped the band around his little arm he looked up at them suddenly with fear knowing what was to come. He kept looking back and forth at them with fear in his eyes. If he could talk I swear he would be bargaining with them saying... I swear I'll be good guys. I will sleep through the night, I take my medicine, I will even officially crawl if you just put down that pokey thing. We can work out a deal ... he he he ehhhhh right guys?! His last officially plee was when he grabbed the nurses hand and gave the biggest puppy dogs eyes I have ever seen. As she said sorry little guy, he knew it was over. He puffed out his lip and gave a wimper of defeat.

Needless to say, 6 viles of blood takes some time. During that time there was a lot of its okay buddy, from me as I stroked his hair and a level of screaming that absolutely broke my heart. I couldn't have felt more helpless. As tears started rolling down my face I looked in his eyes and knew he needed me to buck up. He looked back and forth from me to Matt searching for some relief which neither could provide except just being there and being calm. Matt did save the day by providing binki which did comfort him a bit.

After the blood work was over we had to sit for a loooonnnnng time for them to test his blood before giving him his procrit shot. The shot he wasn't happy with, but in comparison was a walk in the park compared to the lab work.

So we made it through this week of testing. All done with that till... next week. YIKES! At least at that appointment it will just be 1 vile of blood work and procrit.

This was my first exercise in being stronger than you think you are capable of. Although some tears were shed I am happy with my performance. Which a performance it was. Acting like everything is okay, mommy is cool, calm and collected. You are okay baby, mommies here. But hey, he doesn't know that and that's all that matters. Being a mom doesn't mean you are as strong as a rock, just means your baby has to believe you are.

1 comment:

  1. He does have puppy dog eyes!!! That hi I love you look :) That which does not kill you little bear. Between the two of you he's gonna make it thru this, and be none the wiser.