Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tomorrow is the day!

Today was so long. We had appointments from 9am - 4pm doing measurements, drawing blood, telling us what to expect ... and a lot of it was waiting and waiting. It was a long hard day. One of the nurses said something that stuck. She said, this is a major surgery but the only surgery that isn't major is the one done on someone elses child. When they went over all the risk factors with us and told us what to expect its enough for a sane person to go running out of the hospital and never look back. Trust me, I thought about it once or twice. I even promised Matt we would go straight to Disney Land if we chose to opt out of this.

But in the end we know this is what will give Hudson the best life and no matter how hard it is going to be it is short term. This will change the rest of his life. So after our appointments today we picked my mom up from her hotel (she flew in today to be with us). Then we went to eat at a Mexican place. I LOVE Mexican food if it isn't apparent already. We had a great time and I am so glad that she came to be with us.

Once we got back to the hotel I started with our bedtime ritual. Normally its bath, books, songs, bed. I made it until songs. Then I just broke down. It is impossible to not feel like this is goodbye. I know in my mind that its not, but in my heart it feels like it is. I knew it would be hard but ... the thought that this could be the last time I see him, kiss him, cuddle him, love him... is too much. The reason we came to Dallas is because he is the best. He WILL bring my baby out of this. But there is a chance.... and to a mom even if that is 2%, that is too much. With any surgery brings risks, fear, doubts... I am just feeling all of those right now and feel very scared. Part of you thinks, his condition can't be worse than the surgery he is going to have to endure. I am sure he will live a happy healthy life if we just don't do it. Of course that is fear talking and fear is very powerful.

Tomorrow we have to be at the hospital at 6:00 am. From there we will start the process of talking to all the doctors again and start to put him under. Matt and I will be able to be there until he falls asleep and then we can say our "goodbyes". I honestly don't know how I am going to be able to leave him there knowing whats going to happen. I know the long term results and that is why we are doing this... but the short term danger simply scares me to death. For tonight though, I am just RAW with emotion. No one should have to go thought this although I know many have followed before me and many will after.

I will do my best to update this tomorrow.

I will see you on the other side.


  1. Love you all and praying. Shawna

  2. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers today. Love you guys!

  3. These are feelings that no parent should ever have to face. But you guys are doing great....This will soon just be a crappy memory and the little man will be back to his normal happy flirty self :)

  4. Someone told me about your blog and story and I just had to say that we're thinking about Hudson and your family. I went to high school with Matt and now my husband and I have an 11 month old son. I can't imagine going through all of this and I'm so sorry you have to endure the pain. Hudson is just beautiful though and I'm sure he will be just fine!


  5. Praying for your family, especially Hudson!

    Natalie and Nick Mallare
    Olathe, KS