Just Breathe

So last week I thought I had a pretty good handle on all this. I had come up with some new things to distract me and it seemed to be working really well! I have been BUSY:

• Working on a Chicks Dig Scars Logo.
• A "We're On The Other Side" shirt for later.
• Researching Cranio
• Doing this blog
• Planning for Dallas in October
• Thinking of all the ways I can make the surgery easier for him.
  - Whether its patting his leg when I put him to sleep instead of stroking his hair, or using toys that have sounds more so when his eyes are swollen shut he can still find comfort in his toys...

But this week my anxiety got out of control. I got so overwhelmed I had to remind myself to breathe. Just breathe. I realized my strategy of distraction wasn't distraction at all but obsession. Every second of every day revolved around cranio. I guess subconsciously I thought by doing all this I was gaining control over something I have no control of.

I don't want to wait 6 months for surgery and I don't want the surgery to be tomorrow either. I want to exist in a place where there is no time. At least no time where he has to go through this surgery. I just don't want to do it at all! It makes me want to scream!

So ... new strategy. I'm going to have at least 3 days that I do nothing related to cranio. I have started reading a book before going to sleep instead of being internet researching cranio. I'm going to start working out to get rid of some of this nervous energy. And focus on loving my baby and family. Doing fun things together and building awesome memories.

I realize the bad days are still going to come and there really is nothing I can do about it. I have to go through this process whether I like it or not. I'm trying to focus on the things I do have control over.