I am also using this blog also for families who are going to be later reading this and going through the same thing. This blog is intended to be informative but also as an outlet for us to cope. We have good and bad days and the way I feel about this changes daily if not hourly or more. Sometimes I may be venting, and rambling. But it feels better to release these emotions. Some days may not be fun to read because that is our reality right now.

I feel my head and heart are in a constant battle. I have to stay positive and strong but also face the reality that this is not going to be easy. I have to be as prepared as possible to that I can be strong for him.

The reality is its going to be almost too much to bear seeing him post-op. His eyes may be swollen shut for days. His head is going to swell to the point he won't be recognizable. He will have a zig zag incision from ear to ear. He is going to be poked and prodded for months leading up to this as well as while he is in the hospital. Many children flinch to the touch after the surgery for a long time not knowing if its going to be a gentle touch or a needle. They have issues sleeping after from post traumatic stress for at least 6 weeks.

My head tells me:

• How lucky we are that it is something that can be fixed
• This procedure has been done many times before with success
• We have the best doctor we could hope for
• How lucky we are that his development is great!
• Kids recovery so quickly and this will be way harder on us than him
• Soon this will all just be a nightmare and he will go on to lead a normal, happy life

All this doesn't change the fact that I also have to deal with my heart

• My heart breaks that my baby has to go through this at all!
• That he is going to be in pain, scared and not understand
• Why someone so innocent has to go through something so hard
• My baby is learning so much fear and pain at such a young age
• Will this surgery shape who Hudson will become being exposed to something so traumatic so young?
• That this isn't fair. WHY my baby!
• Along with many more thoughts that I don't even want to write

I realize all l I can do it be as prepared as possible and focus on the things we do have control over:
Keeping him as comfortable and calm as possible by bringing him his favorite music, toys, holding his hand, singing to him, reassuring him and just being there. Waiting 6 months is going to be so hard to have all of this on our shoulders. I can't wait until we are "on the other side" as all my friends on the craniokids.org site say.

Oh Yuck! Well I feel better now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

-Jen