Acceptance

"Acceptance is the acknowledgement of reality as it is, not as we would like it to be. It is our inner nod to the universe that expresses our understanding of our circumstances exactly as they are. When we finally accept, we place ourselves on the starting line of the journey ahead of us and make the mental room for the needed planning."
-Laura Posada

"Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit"
- Wikipedia

I have been searching for acceptance. Accepting this feels like surrender which is not something I am accustomed to. Giving up is not in my nature. Accepting the fact that my baby is going to be going through this is just not acceptable. I worry about not only the obvious physical pain, but the emotional distress is something I am really struggling with. The fact that he isn't going to understand and he will be so scared. Learning so much fear at such a young age is just tragic. He is such a happy little boy and the joy to my life. The fact that I can't take this away and protect him from this literally makes me sick. How can I accept this?! I keep picturing the moment where I attempt to surrender him over to the doctors and all I can picture is me running out of the hospital with him.

I of course realize that whether I accept this or not it is reality. All we want as parents is the best lives for our kids. I would do anything to give Hudson the best life possible. I just HATE that this is the only way to do that. I literally wish I could go through the operation for him. I want to protect him. How is it possible that protecting him also means putting him in harms way? Its unnatural.

This is going to shape part of who is going to become. I know that he won't likely remember this. But kids are little sponges. He is going to learn fear, real fear. What does that do to a person at this age?

I understand the definition of acceptance ... the acknowledgement of reality as it is, not as we would like it to be. And I know what I have to do. Surgery is right around the corner. Watching the days slip away and weeks flying by is very scary. I am taking comfort knowing we aren't doing this alone and am so thankful for all the prayers sent our way. Don't forget to say a big one for my little guy on Dec. 14th! And maybe one for mommy and that I don't run out of the hospital with him instead. Yeah, acceptance ... not there yet. I'll work on it.

Love,
Jen